You And Me.

i'm not in the best of moods. i always give such a disclaimer when i'm feeling unstable. oh screw it. i'm just really negative about stuff now. maybe its self pity. maybe its just a realization of how effed up a situation i've walked mysef into. maybe its just about time for me to worry about myself.

today's post aint gonna be interesting at all. its gonna be me ranting. did you ever walk to the end of a journey and wonder if you could've done something to change your preppy situation you found yourself in the end? do you wish that you'd have ended up differently? what went wrong sometimes you ask. but think about it. is it what YOU did that went wrong or is it how the cirucmstances made you choose based not on choice, but on force. were there even any options?

sometimes i think about how i've made my bed, and now that i've gotta lay in it; i hope that its not the last thing i can have because i'm so very expectant of results. that something evolve from it. its not just simplicity. its not just that alone. its like how sometimes you take the brunt for your friends telling yourself its okay. its just once. but then it occurs over and over again until it becomes more of a responsibility of yours. that kinda expectancy your friends derive from you. its not so simple that you could just STOP doing it. no.

and now that things may turn for the better. does it really mean so? how sometimes it may appear as that so innocent flower with tender white freshly budded petals, but underneath are thorns of serpented traps which you may not see because of blindness - which you so obliviously seem to misinterpret. but you know, as abovementioned, its your responsibility. taking charge of everything is quite a feat. a task fit for capable adults. sad to say, i dont think i've reached that criteria just yet, dear.

perhaps i've been a disappointment. to me. i disappointed myself. i expect so much from me. sometimes i think its not enough to just be "okay". its not enough to just be "fine". i'm a selective perfectionist by nature of who i am. its not in my choice to be or not to. its just me. how i am.

i've run out of words. pretend this wasnt blogged. it shouldnt even be on this blog.
love.