sometimes, i stop and take a step back, wondering how my life has gone on with me at helm. i wonder if its because of the stupid decisions i made that led me to my outcome. and then, i wonder how it would've been. should i have done something else. sometimes, i marvel other people's lives. how perfect it seems. how wonderful and complete it appears. and then i think about mine and find so much lacking, see all its flaws. is your life flawed? hmm.
i dont self pity myself. this is my plight. sometimes giving too much is considered irritatng. doing too little is noted as insincere. why do we think in such demeaning manners? is that how our lives are ought to be? good actions misinterpreted as ill. what are we really doing to each other nowadays. why do people have facades? i admit, yes, i hide behind a face. do you feel content now? more often than not, i do this to make an atmosphere of communication, hence spurring the hitting off. its not hypocritical. its based on good intention.
i dont admire people who disregard others' perspectives, irregardless. maybe a bit of senstivity to realise the troubles everyone goes through on an everyday basis might teach you to be more understanding and wary of body language, communication hints. shutting and shunning yourself away from these will only harm yourself in the long run. i'm not pointing fingers, i'm just hoping that things might change.
i dont like many things. but i dont blabber things out on my accord. i am human, we all are. we all have emotions. let your ego down for a second and consider this. dont you think that sharp words will hurt everyone despite how manly they are, or despite the face they put on? please, sensitivity doesnt mean saying things that might appease others all the time, based on nothing. But having an attitude to access a person's tolerrence level, or access their feelings. it doesnt mean being and acting. it means having. maybe we all just got it wrong.
i dont say this to anyone in person because i dont know how to phrase it. sometimes. i dont know what we're getting to. what really is the purpose. i dont know which direction we're headed. no, its not like i want it to cease. i'm very different and i dont overflow with confidence, volubleness, humour and wit. but to many, i'm seen as a joy rather than annoy(ance). i dont know what you think of me as. hindrance? i dont got the best of everything. but when i do things, i do it with all my heart. that has never changed since day one. when i do something, i dont do it for the sake of doing it, but because i want to.
i do run out of faith, i do run out of energy. but every happy moment rejuvinates, enpowers me to continue. if its not love what is it then? i dont know who would read this. afterall, my blog really is just a disposition of my mindless thoughts, arent they? i dont make decisions many a time because i'm afraid you're not game for it. its not easy taking the wheel all the time. yes, indeed i never did take it before. but really, many things i voice never took off. so, really, whats the point of making decisions that will never seem to impress you? and besides, i really am, always thinking for you.
hah. i dont know. will i look back and laugh at my naivity? will i shake my head and say "silly me" and shrug it off in a few seconds? or will i look back and say "i'm glad i waited it out". will it go on? will there be a spark of a new beginning? will there be a change? will there not be a light at the end of the tunnel? will there be you? what will it come to? when is the turning point?
opinions i am fond of. i am a person full of perspectives, ideas and opinions. you cant really do much about it. thats how i am. and i wont change that part of my life. if i do something mindlessly, there must be a reason. there always is an explaination. its only whether you wana figure it out. i am, like i said before, a sacrificial person. i will do things that are below myself. dont demand it. really, it doesnt make sense. if you dont mean it? dont say it.
and then, sometimes, i feel so inferior. in every aspect. i like to be the way i am. to be loved the way i really am. not based on a comparison to a criteria, a template. yeah, i dont have the best of anything. but i have me. i am me. and isnt it enough giving myself to another person? more is really needed? what other present is as good as that. really.. you might not take it to heart, but it does affect. or maybe, we have totally different mindsets.
you might tut at this and think "oh, what a overly sensitive person at the wrong timings" and then push me away. i accept it all. i'm ready for anything. if i dont get surprised everyday, perhaps i'd cringe and "die" when it happens, but no, i wont. if you didnt already get it, i have learnt to accept many things the way they are. well, they say every imperfection becomes perfect when you're really, truly in love. thats the message i'm getting back. it feels GREAT.
i dont expect anyone to comment on this post. lets take it as if it was never posted. i just really need to get it off my chest. i cant go on with this feeling inside of me. i look forward to everyday for you. thats all you need to know. if you suspect anything, i dont care. if you happen to be a real busybody and start bitching, good luck with how far you can get in life. i dont really care when it comes to this point. thank you for reading. like all my other depressing/worrying posts, i'll be fine. i wont commit suicide. its okay. oh, or maybe you might be wishing i would. too bad. i still love myself even if no one loves me the way i am. (: i just needed to really express myself.
with love.
--edited--
and perhaps, maybe its really just the wrong time, the wrong message, the wrong signals. maybe its just not what it was. maybe its just completely overishted. crush me, hard. i'm no more.
throw me away. it dont matter. just move on. cry it all out. slightly better? lovin' it. bullshit. way off. none left. changed again. stupid me. dumb ideas. gullible. artless. naive. young. impressionable. immature. too nice. too kind. love no more. GONE.
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