My Dilemma.

hey people!
its been yet, another tiring day at work. and this time, it went quite alright. hung out with Naomi for lunch again. we had like some curry chicken. absolutely delicious. hah. right. and then, went to spinelli for a latte. quick fact. did you know the only coffee i LOVE is latte? hmmmm. lol. banked in 2 of my cheques. long overdue. lol.

righty. anyways. tomorrow i'm going to court!! yippie! haha. bankruptcy cases. sounds really interesting. Margaret was telling me about it. hah. sounds scary, intimidating, but interesting at the same time. lol. hope the people dont cry though. gahhhs. lol. friday....hmmm. free again. saturday is to the bank. need to start a new account. hah. this one for keeping money only. lol. ooooh btw, i just checked my accounts. i got S$0.06 cents as interest for february!!! hahahaha. so pathetic right. lol.

anyways. i was waiting today for an anonymous person, and so, had some more free time. this time, wrote a few, different poems/proses. it might not mean much. but, its my modus operandi of expression. so yeah. here goes. it may sound depressing, but it isnt really. its just how i reflect, and express myself.

1. My History..
I used to be so cold.
so scared, silent, still.
But change came,
difference took path,
and now all i feel?
Tricks,traps,lies,deceit.
Assume that double edged sword.
Be the person hiding behind the mask.
Sometimes, that pretty face?
They represent insecurity,
intimidation, infringement of truth....


2. My Breakdown
And at first, truth was set.
And then, change was en route.
A different person, -nality, presence.
A morph, an annihilation, a disaster.


3. The Struggle
How i'd love "nostalgia meets future"
But things aren't the same.
Er'thing's changed - a new beginning.
As time ticks by, helplessly, i watch.
Fury too, overcomes the habitant.
Suspicion arose. Truthfulness, meagerly supressed.
Infidel potential, increased. Trust, fell.
Me, change? Ha. No, You, ChangeD.
everyone changes in time.
They say, "you can't stop change, change is good"


4.My All....
All those tears i shed.
All those veins i cut.
All those nights i wasted.
All those emotional breakdowns.
All those loving moments.
All those painful silences.
All those happy memoirs.
All those hurtful words.
All those fun days.
All those silly elusions.
All those cute trite phrases.
All those hours wasted.
All those sweet nothings.
All that history.
All that memories.
All that past.
All that was.
All that we wanted.
All that i was.
All that you were.
All that isn't.
All that is gone.
All that we cherised.
All that's, nothing no more...



right. before i continue, i'm gonna have a random old song everytime i post. (: so here's today's random old song! :




These poems arent referring to a person. its referring to many. its meant for a crowd. if you think you're the audenice, well done. my point is woven into that. Blame me for being poetic to some extent. I find it a proper way to express myself. Being to the point, yet vague at the same time. Its elusive.

What's wrong with the world? i really think something is wrong. like, everything just goes wrong. everyday, something takes a turn for the worse. You know, in stocks and shares, they say what goes up must come down and what comes down will go up. So why is everything still coming down?! why cant anything good happen to me? why? everything just collapses. its surreal! for a second its happening, for the next, its far away.

decisions i loathe myself for, i really regret. stupidity sometimes, but more of rash. quick witted thinking, except its the negative aspect. i dont know. it came, it went. it sat its gone. twice. thrice. so many freaking times. what is wrong?! sighh. do i have a mental disorder i dont know of? charisma defectiveness which is contagious? thats why people abstain from me? stay far away from me? stop talking to me? hah. no, you might very well think i'm talking about you. who knows, maybe i am. but why? like REALLY WHY? am i THAT irritating? maybe its the constant flow of questions. hmmmm. but maybe its cuz i'm more opinionated. maybe its because i have a stand, a perspective in life. maybe its because i'm sure of my life. not like you.

you know, if i know that friends come and go without remaining, i wont even bother making friends with you. my definition of a friend is someone that helps you along the way. who assists you, fun laughter, sadness tears. everything. someone who you hang out with, study with, talk to. not keep secrets! furthermore, those considered closer than friends....its distrustful. if we abide in each other, spur each other along, keep a constant keen interest in sociability, nothing will fall. but evidently, its not me who doesnt wana keep in touch eh? i try my best. i've said this before. friends mean a lot to me. and i just do realise how i'm left with less than a handful of friends. and those that are in this handful are being cursed, attacked by others.

xenia, sorry that people are just so jealous that we can be friends. i dont understand whats wrong being close. its not as if there are anymore strings attached. there isnt any scandals. nothing. plain. why is it people are SO SO SO FUCKING BUSYBODY? typical singaporean behaviour. like really. stop being so concerned about others, and focus more on yourself! maybe you're the one who needs a reflection in life, not the person you're telling off.

i've also said that i treasure my friends a lot. i used to say friends come and go. but no. i wont let it be. if a friends comes back, i'll welcome him/her with open arms. i dont hold such huge grudges. better make a friend than an enemy, i always say. i've also said that friendships are harder to build than relationships sometimes. its not easy. you might overlook so many things. sigh. friends are so hard to come by. well, at least good, true friends are.

i dont pity myself for having few friends. i'm not popular. i'm not high profile. i dont want to be. not yet. life for me isnt as smooth going as everyone thinks. if you think i'm part of the upper crust of society. i'd say i am. i live that way. i've always told myself i wana have a good life. and i'm working for it. i'm not smart. my o level results are the way they are not because of me. i thank God. i'm a late bloomer, slow to many things. to grasping concepts. and yet, i still survive. i wana do this. its my goal. and i'm sure of it. but i dont look at it as being different. i dont think this is the reason why i'm ostracized out of many social circles.

stereotype. its what humans love to do. its the same problem as being racist, sexist and agist. although we know we shouldnt, we do. obviously. your opinion is the most important isnt it..?we gotta judge everyone we see. i'm guilty of it. of everything. tell me you dont stereotype people and i'll salute you because you're stereotyping yourself by saying that. making yourself seem elite. nonsense. we all stereotype. mentally judge people. in an eighth of a second, we judge a person according to their dressing, and looks. its even subconscious! but what can we do? stop being so segregative. mix more, open up more. socialise more. mean things with your heart.

i know typing all this is gonna go to waste. because its long, wordy and boring. but i just need an avenue to express myself. i'm sorry to hear of so many breakup's. ironic. but doesnt matter. excuses are always made. i think i make a lot of excuses. give a random tall story. its normal. but its not good. and i'm sorry i did all that.

sounds like confession wednesday. but anyways. i shall end off here. thank you for reading this long, wordy, and boring entry.
love.