Heal Upon My Heart...

**emo post warning**

you know how sometimes you feel all stupid? like the world is crumbling because of your actions? hah. i feel that now. JOL was good. it was rock on. it was a start, thank God for the event.

an eyeopener. its not something i desire. its hurting, painful. like a cancerous growth within, unknown of its presence. it lays, waiting for the right time to unleash that wrath of sorrow and grief it'll cause family members and friends. like a cancerous growth you are. harming as you go. not deliberately. it just hurts. it just sears of pain. that very thing i desire is becoming the very thing i wana reject.

ever felt that the thing you wanted caused you so much pain? hah. yes, the past was that way. i cried that so many nights wanting you to realise it. and then its gone. its past. its a new start. but, seemingly unbothered, you continue life. as a whole. with words so full of thorns. scorn. my heart's weak. soft, real. its not make belief. its something that has life. treat it like it does. a person with dignity, i am. and every time i lower myself? hah. whats the point now?

and you. you've changed. so much. it hurts as a friend to watch on. why do you change? its evident. your nonchalant attitude of rejecting sensitivity, of being so self absorbed. it hurts. having been by your side for so long. what is going on? i cant just stand a watch you break into that many pieces. what are you doing? what are you exposed to? this will break you, you know that. my dear, its not that i dont care about you. but will you be willing to open yourself up in the first place? we have noticed it. you're not the same. with profanities, with a different character. why?

why does so many things turn out so bad in my life? is it a sign for me to say that i need to try harder in the future? 3 people i hold dear to my heart. i urge you. change no more for the worse. its painful to keep this habit of being the bystander. what is left for me to do, is what you have to do yourself. its a task i'm unable to perform on proxy. its something i cant take onus on behalf of you.

i never knew that it was the start, i never knew it was an end. i never did know you in the first place. i still dont know you. i dont think i will anytime soon. and hence, why still bother? why even stir up hope? revive this flame in me? not an old flame, but a fresh new one? doesnt it hurt at all with all that effort to revive it? doesnt it affect you? does it not mean anything to you? aren't you confused? or maybe you're doing this on purpose. its intentional isnt it? huh?

my life. jinxed. me? jaded somewhat. you? evidently stultified mentally by me. i'm sorry for being a disaster in your lives.