Broken Pieces.

ever felt like you were putting a puzzle together? ever felt like you alone had to struggle against time to fit those missing planes with a piece of that old, fragrant wood? ever felt like you were in a race against time to finish something? ever felt that those pieces had more meaning than just a game? ever felt that your life was that very puzzle you were struggling to complete? ever felt as if you didnt know which piece to place in that space? ever fitted the wrong piece in an empty lot? ever found yourself at the brink of giving up? or rather, ever given up?

life really is like a puzzle. we struggle our everyday lives to finish a bit of it. yet, unknowingly, sometimes you're on the wrong path. i dont regret my decision i made 2 months and a half ago. it was something i chose. a decision i made and i bear full responsibility for its outcome, the consequences. i dont grieve. i take it as a learning insight. a lesson in life. it does hurt sometimes. dont you cry at the things you lost in the fire? needless to say, it was precious to you. but now, its just a faded memory. i'll always remember how it was. that faded picture. wasnt no pretty face on the wall. wasnt anything like that. it meant more. an impact. something i had longed for. at the beginning. and yet, it turned out so sour. it turned out so painful. it turned out full of breakdowns. it turned out full of misunderstandings.

i dont know what image you are forming of me in your mind. someone who regrets every decision i make? someone who makes use of others just to gain something for his benefit? someone who is so casual with everyone? someone who didnt take you seriously? no. i dont think i really did any of those. i took it all to my heart. i meant everything i said. its not a blaming session. i'm not blaming no one. it wasnt anyone's fault. maybe sometimes life just twists too much you rarely understand the reason, barely have the chance to react with realistic judgement. that thing i lost in the fire, it wasnt just a memory. it was like my heart. now, broken into many pieces. shattered by confusion. not hate, not anger, not sadness. confusion. i wasnt broken by anguish. it was confusion and dejectedness.

my mind so jumbled up. its complex. i dont know my current situation well. i dont know how to react to it with discretion. i dont know if what i'm doing is even right. sigh. why does life have so many many many irritable downfalls? why cant it just be clear cut ? no, i'm not being an ignorant fellow. i just wish that it would be easier. its taxing to be in my predicament. i'm overwhelmed by confusion now. sigh. this is getting really tiring. the daily basis of procrastination. the every day lies. the every day excuses. its compulsive now. its become a habit if you dont realise. putting things off.

i dont know where i'm bringing this entry to. my day didnt turn out that very happy. i expected to be a least bit happy. it wasnt even close to elation. it was just the passing through of the day. constant brain boredom plagued me. i was like a child that was deprived of his daily sugar intake. my person was just so unhappy inside even though i appeared fine. its not your fault. not anyone's fault. sylvia saw me. she said my eyes looked different. well, you know what they say right. the widow to a person's heart if through their eyes. i guess she saw a glint of truth.

i dont feel used. i dont feel stupid. that, are all UNDERSTATEMENTS. i feel dejected, i feel pathetic. i feel lousy. i feel ridiculous. everything i do just turns out like shit. everything i try to do just isnt enough is it? its never ever enough. i dont wana make my presence known so much so that its recognised by people everywhere. i just wana be appreciated. i feel like a burden. i feel like an old broom in the corner of the room. useless. you get me? i am like a liability at times. a depreciating asset. its silly to think in such a way. i'm like a mood spoiler. i dont know. thank you everyone for encouraging me. but sometimes, actions speak louder than words. words without actions are void. its invalid. its useless. pointless to even make statements and comments in that case.

no. i am not thinking of committing suicide. i just feel lousy. i'm sorry. its not deliberate of course. i am just so tired of life. those trials and tribulations. those tumultuous eras. sigh. its all just a milestone away.



these eyes wont tear,
these ears wont hear.
the mind wont lose,
head's on the noose.
heart shaken, to give,
a story, i will live.