Stupid Me.

i dont know whats wrong with me today. everything i say, every word and sentence i utter seems to come out wrong. somehow, just by sheer luck, seem to hurt someone. i'm sorry to all of you. really. i dont know whats getting into me. its just really stressful living a life where you go around and unknowingly, hurt so many people. the 3 of you. sorry. really. i never knew my tongue was so sharp. i never knew that my words were so peppered with deathly traps that i pull people down with me.

the day has been, again, boring. nothing to look forward to. its like i'm living a life that is coming to an end. i swear, i havent had a good meal in 3 days. its either eaten by someone, eg, my sister. or it sucks, like my lunch today. insipid and exactly like a desert. its like my meal itself was lifeless. i mean, i wake up, open my eyes and first thing, i cant see well. the stupid corrective lenses. thank you. and then, i wash up, come down to find lunch (because i've so conveniently skipped breakfast) and then i find dry food, almost unfit for humans to eat. and so i happily gorge it down. yummy. absolutely delectable.

then, i start checking my mails, both internet and postage. nothing much. whole lot of advertisements on viagra, blah blah blah. then i move on, no one's online. everyone's working, or in school. the rest are out, already, shopping. and so i live a deprived life with nothing to really look forward to. why? thats because after using the comp, i go to watch tv, and play the piano. and play with the animals. and then it repeats. computer,tv, piano,computer,tv,piano. and then an occasional SMS comes in. and then repeat routine. see, really. what is there to look forward in my everyday life.

dear reader, i know you're concerned about me. but please dont pity me. its a state i drove myself into. hah. right. and dont advise me. because i myself, i know what i should be doing. i know what i need to do. and then i start pissing people off. my braces are killing me, i find it so hard to eat. and yet, when i chance upon a morsel of edibility, i find it disgusting. every bite hurts okay. and thinking that it would be satisfying, you bite, a sacrifice you make. and then you realise its just horrid.

i dont know. me ranting daily about my boring life. its just predictable. i dont know what else to say. really. maybe i should just live in seclusion. i really feel like going on a holiday. to somewhere i can relax. somewhere i love. i wouldnt mind NZ. i felt like crying just now. its stressful you know. staying alive. and i just wana enjoy the time i have while i'm still alive. its so hard to find friends nowadays.

yes. i'm back at my friendship problems. always at the top of the list. someone asked me why i have so many problems with friends, quite long ago. do you think i wana deliberately wana create a rift between my friends? so i can bitch about them? why would i do such a thing? well, its maybe because people dont like the way i am. my tone. my everyday moods. my personality, character. i dont know. am i so hate-able? what makes people loathe me? detestable in any way? i dont know. but its not my decision for sure. if you have tonnes of friends around you, count yourself lucky. you're either rich, good looking or just simply, charismatic. but i'm probably none of that. i dont look down upon myself. i have trudged through life knowing what i was going through. i make my stand everyday. and its just disappointing that people misunderstand me. really.

i'm sensitive. yes. and i'm sensitive as and when necessary. i am not overly sensitive. although i'm still 16, i have gone through much more than you know. my face isnt a mere representation of the hardships i live through. you might think "oh, he's just making things up, exaggerating". but really, a person's maturity level grows as they learn. i've not grown a lot recently, but i understand people. i try to make it better for both parties. but it takes 2 hands to clap. not just one. if you dont feedback to me an echo when i react, then i'll never know who you really are. i try so hard everyday. but your attitude reflects a nonchalant person. its degrading. its heartbreaking. its painful you know? that every time i try to do something, its really, simply ignored. i dont know what i can do now. its come a time where i stand alone, again, at this crossroad and make yet another decision.

crazy. its all i can say. and sorry. is all i can say too.
i'm confused. i'm in pain somewhere, although i dont know.




as the grains of sand fall,
to us, they're small and non bother.
but to each, its like a needle.
the same thing can be both,
only if you allow it.
the road opens up twice.
and bent double, i still walk.
a pain of hardship,
a soul full of tears.
crying alone, for as long and as long
peace be unleashed,
cover thyself in rekindlement.
sowing a seed, that longs to strain.