Shine On, please.

I know its true.
its like a kite in the sky.
once its played,
its done - gone.
leave the strings where they were,
for left behind is no soul, no more.
its ended.
its flown away.
that very object of fantasy.
that very piece of love.
that very place of security.
that very person of affection.
now, devoured.



i hope that it isnt how it is. the world isnt a perfect place. my life isnt wonderfully built up. its not planned the way i want it to be. things wont, and dont go according to me. sometimes you gotta rely on the others. but if the other is dead, if the other is void. if the other is somewhat, invalid, so to call, disabled. then what am i to do? am i to take more initiative? am i to bear the consequence of the soon demise of it? am i to get down on my knees and plead you even more than i've done? am i to be your rag? am i to sacrifice my whole life as an "offering" in order for you to accept me the way i am and then try to change? do i need to be the only one to try my best? to struggle through everyday feeling disappointed? am i going through this alone? do i have an allegiance? when you told me everything. when i even took that chance, making myself ever so vulnerable after several misjudgments i'd made before. is this is what i deserve for being so honest with you? is this how i wanted things to go? if only you opened up. if only you started talking to me. if only, if only. sometimes i wish these "if only's" become reality. if only THESE would all disappear and my life be perfect in a pair. i dont know why i'm crumbling down at the base. i dont know what's making me think such things. i dont even know what i am talking about, what i even want. maybe sometimes, its not only for myself. maybe sometimes i should start thinking about others more. sacrifice myself being a learned person, yet, closing both eyes, acting dumb just for your pleasure. maybe that way i might accept the attitude better. maybe that way, i can accept the character much easier. maybe i dont even know you that well. maybe the actual thing i disgust might lie in part of you. sometimes, i wonder why. really. what made me. sigh. i mean, i made the decision before. its a decision i promised to never break. and i dont want to sidetrack because of a mere distraction. its a decision not worth it. its really pointless. and i dont even know what to do now. i dont even know what you're thinking about for goodness sakes. sometimes, i wonder what the world has come to. i wonder why even though you give up so much for someone, things can still NEVER EVER work out just because they're as stubborn as mules. its sad. really. heartbreaking because it was a kin to me. a heartbeat. now, the other beat is missing. its like my life that i wanted to be so perfect is shattered. i dont even know anything, anymore.


right. anyways. that whole long winded wordy paragraph above, if you dont get it. then be happy. because i'm not talking about you then. dont even bother asking me who's it about. dont even aggravate the situation in my heart more. i am a person who solves many problems on my own. this is no great stumbling block in my path. i'll handle it myself. thank you for even reading up to this point. i'm really appreciated you even bother reading through my daily rants. i dont even know why i blog. why? i know i blog to express myself. its like a forum. MY forum. a place where i wana voice my thoughts to the world if they wana read. and i know its a deposition of my different emotions. my heartfelt pains and joys, as evident above.

no. i wont say that today was a bad day. it was actually, rather okay. i dont know what made my mood swing a 180degrees down. other than the fact that my teeth really really hurt, everything has been rather okay. really. what the fuck is wrong with me. sigh. i dont know. i'm sorry i'm being a bitch.

this is getting worse by the lines. sorry for this entry. know its bad, but i'm still gonna post it.
love.