Missing.

depressing. life is just so depressive. its like i'm addicted to being depressed. no, sadly, i'm not feeling high. you know, life is so short, yet, there are thousands of fucking obstacles that get in your way. and every time you overcome one, you feel much better....till the next one comes, which just happens to be round the next corner. the past 3 months have been trying months for me, times when i've had emotional days. no. not days. wars. emotional wars. times when i've had unsturdy moods. times when i just got so angry over nothing. total wreckage even. and yet, times when i loved so much. times when i felt so idiotic. times when i feel idiotic just the same as times when i feel so alone...(notice the tenses)

and now it comes to a point i dont know which i'm experiencing. now, i dont even know what is happening to me. now, i dont really know myself the way i used to be. sometimes i feel so fucked up due to the way i dont make it on time. due to the way i commit so many "crimes", and yet, knowing its wrong, i still do it. sometimes my boundaries arent bent. they're broken. like the Bible says, even if you know its wrong, you still choose to do it. why? is it because of sin? i mean, love,lust its all different. there isnt no fine line. its not fine. its bold. its a huge difference. and saying i didnt, really is an understatement. but you know what? i really am in no position to judge this.

i've done enough harm. i've said enough words. i've fucked my life up too many a time. i've done things that make it a skeleton in the closet. i've hurt enough people. i've run out of things to say. i just miss it all. "When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you" sounds totally cliche. but its really sad how things unfold before you to spell "disaster". its depressing when you realise that you're left with nothing afterall. its degrading, no, not only degrading, but silly to bend down so low, to stoop down to pick up the things you've dropped along the way, knowing that giving it a chance would be futile. knowing that its another dream like the last you just forgot about. its all the same. that pretty face on the wall. that photo frame so similar to the way that you are - nice. but, sadly, nothing can be done.

sometimes fueling a flame, only makes it brighter. fueling it, gives it hope of burning longer, brighter. you dont just fuel it when and wherever you want to. and after you fuel it, do you just run away? or stay on to watch it burn, dancing in happiness? think about it. when you give hope, you dont abandon ship straight away. you stay around to see if everything is in order. i guess its just the way things move. cant blame anyone at all for the changes in life. but i'm just breaking down inside. hurts really bad. havent really had an honest post in a while huh. well this is one, long and wordy post. probably a rant to get it off my chest.

i dont know what the esscence of this post is anyway. i dont know what my underlying message really is. i dont know what i'm really trying to do. to attract attention? to be stupid because people will laugh and say that i'm "too sensitive" and what not. i guess seizing the opportunity in my life, in my scenario was really important. but now that its far far away, its pointless to cry over spilt milk isnt it? well, thats the bitter truth about it. craving it does me no help. it just drowns my hope just the same. so, facing the truth of it would be the best option. living it out, the hard way. rubbing some dirt on it. shake myself up, be a better person or, whats left of a person that is.

well. i guess my emotional post or whatever it might seem like, has come to an end. no purpose. a hopeful audience. an impact i'd rather not know, but hope to be surprised. best of luck. treasure every moment you have. it comes only once in a lifetime.